In all the relationships that I have witnessed crumble, dissolve or implode, there is at least one common thread:
There was not at least one partner in the relationship that took a stand for how the connection FEELS.
In all intimate relationships, there is a dance that goes on – finding balance between the needs of the two individuals within the relationship, and the relationship with its own set of needs. Naturally, the two individuals within the relationship will have their own separate interests and pursuits around career, free time, hobbies, social life, and so on. Maintaining a sense of individuality within the relationship is essential – because relationships thrive when two people bring something unique into the relationship, which creates something bigger than what either of them could achieve alone.
BUT – if one person in the relationship hasn’t got their finger on the pulse when it comes to how the connection FEELS, then over time, one partner is likely to start feeling lonely, invisible, unloved and isolated. When someone starts voicing these feelings, it is evident that how the relationship feels has taken a back seat.
If you value your relationship and want it to thrive, then learn how to tune in to the subtle signs that something feels disconnected, and start finding ways to express your desire for more togetherness.
Here are 3 ways we can do this:
1.Get clear about how you want your relationship to FEEL, so that you are more aware when it steers away from this feeling. For example: “I want a relationship that feels fun, loving, exciting, connected, safe, passionate” and so on. When we are clear how about we want our relationship to feel, then we can tune in more easily to the opposite feeling, such as when it starts to feel stale, stagnant, isolated, distant, or unsafe.
2. Use connecting language to steer the relationship back towards more connection when the two of you become disconnected from each other. For example: “I miss spending time with you. I want us to find ways that we can do fun things together. How about you?”.
3. Find activities that both of you enjoy doing together, and structure your lifestyle to support this sacred couple time. If your entire lifestyle is centred around individual pursuits and family duties, then there will not be much time left over for the partnership.
If your relationship has deviated well off the path of connection, fun and adventure, you may benefit from working with a coach to make the adjustments so you get back on track.
Dr. Tracey Hunter
Psychologist and Relationship Coach